And She Lived…

{September 3, 2008}   Watching the Tragic Movies Of My Life

I feel like I am living outside of myself, looking in. Maybe that’s not quite right… not quite what I mean. I just feel disconnected from my own life, from myself. I just don’t feel real right now. Maybe I just don’t want to own up to my life right now. It’s easier to think “this can’t be me. this can’t be my life.”

It’s as though I am watching some crazy, tragic, dramatic movie with some dumbass woman in the lead role doing all this stupid stuff and I just want to scream at her through the screen. The problem is, she’s me.

I didn’t take the job at the ice cream shop. The one I was looking forward to because I wanted some time outise the house, and because we needed some more income, and because it was just part time so I could still have time with the baby, and because it would be easy and not at all stressful. Ya, that job. I didn’t take it. I got a call a few days before I was supposed to start about coming in for an interview with a really huge vision/optical place here. Really huge here, like 20 offices here in town and in smaller towns all around. Anyway, I went to the interview and was offered the job. The responsible part in me couldn’t turn it down. It was better money and more hours. I convinced myself that was what I needed to do for my family. So, I took the job.

I hate this damn job!!! I really, really, really, really hate. I hate the work. The women I work with are mostly bitches, and I don’t usually judge people like that, especially not so quickly… but, OMG are these women bitches! There are a couple of nice ones, but the other ones are outright mean and don’t even bother to try and pretend they like you. Nope, their hatred jumps right out at you. Guess why? Ummm…. cause most of them are like 19 or 20 years old. I am working with bitchy, little girls. I hate it! I am too old for this crap. I can stand working with people I don’t like if I like the job. I can stand working a job I don’t like if I like the people I work with. I can NOT stand to work somewhere that I hate the job AND the people. It’s hell. I hate getting up in the morning and going to work. Hate it! I wake up and just want to cry.

I should have taken the ice cream job! I really, really should have. I had all those reasons for taking that job but I let myself believe that  making more money would be better for my family. Less time with my family is not better for them. Me being miserable and stressed out is not better for my family.

I just want to scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This isn’t me. This isn’t my life. Is it?

It is. The sad truth is that it is.

Oh, there’s more. There is more that I just can’t connect myself with. I can’t own up to it as my life. We’ve moved of course (just finished yesterday). I just stare at all the boxes stacked up everywhere and sigh. I don’t know where it’s all going to go. This place is smaller than where we were before. I don’t know how all this stuff is going to fit and we’ve already given away and thrown out so much. It’s just one more thing that I look at and think “no way is this my life. no way do i really have to deal with all this.” But I do. I have to deal with it. I can’t right now though. Right now those boxes are going to sit.

I don’t want to be whiny. I don’t want to sound depressed. I’m not depressed. I’m really just mad at myself. I am mad for letting myself get into the situations I do. I have to figure out this job thing. I think I need to find something else because if I stay at the job I took I really might end up depressed. I think about the paychecks and I tell myself I can’t quit but then I wake up and I would rather slam my head in a door than go to work…. I think I gotta quit.


me says:

Quit and go back to the ice cream shop–they might still have the job available.

Jen E says:

Oh, hun. I’m so sorry! HUGS!!! It’s so hard to make the right decision work-wise. But you have to be happy or it’s not worth it. Believe me!!! We are living that nightmare right now with my Hubby and it has a HUGE negative effect on our family. If you aren’t happy with the job. Find another one. If you can stay until you find it, then do so. If it is making you crazy and affecting your mood and then your family life, then quit and find another job….one you love! As for the house, moving is ALWAYS stressful. Just keep reminding yourself why you moved from your old neighborhood. The rest will fall in line. Go ahead and put pictures on the walls. Hang your curtains. Make it your “home”. You’ll be amazed at the difference it will make. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kimmie says:


I’ve noticed that any kind of retail job pretty much sucks…..I know. That doesn’t help.

Maybe you can use the whole “boxes stacked up” thing as a reason to get rid of stuff you really don’t need. Garage sale time??

If you’re that unhappy I agree quit. We all do things we don’t want to do in order to get by. However, making yourself miserable does nothing but hurt those around you and rather than subject yourself and others to this awful job, quit now. Save your sanity.

Kim says:

I am so sorry to hear that life is hard for you these days. You have to do what is best for your family and if quitting the job that pays more for the job that allows you more time with your family is the right thing to do, do it. It is definitely a hard thing to balance and I wish I had some better advice.

As for the boxes, do one or two a day. Don’t stress yourself out.

A great big hug to you!

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