And She Lived…

{November 7, 2008}   The Uncomfortable Questions

It’s bound to happen eventually. If you’ve adopted a child, people are going to ask you questions that are uncomfortable for you.

How much did the adoption cost?

Was it difficult to adopt?

Do you know anything about his real parents?

Why did his mother give him up?

Those kind of things. They are the type of questions you would never ask someone who had a child biologically. I mean you wouldn’t ask someone “how much was your hospital bill when you gave birth? and did that include the episiotomy?” or “did you have a hard time conceiving? or did ya get it on the first try?” or “is your husband really the father, cause the baby kinda looks like the mailman” or “so who’s the baby’s daddy?” and you certainly woulnd’t ask “did you plan to get pregnant or did it just happen to you?”

Would you want to answer those questions? Of course not. And I don’t really want to answer the other ones. Now, there are exeptions. If I am talking with someone who is interested in adopting and they ask about the cost of adoption or if it was difficult, I don’t mind answering those questions at all. As for the real parents question… um, hello! We are his real parents. We’re real. We’re his parents. Real parents! And that last question!?! How about none of your damn business? Is that a good enough answer?

Honestly, my son’s past is HIS past. It’s his life story. When he is old enough he can choose to share it with whomever he chooses. Until then, it’s a closed subject. Not that I have shared details with a few people. Close family like my parents and one of my sisters and one of my brothers. That’s it though.

I actually had someone ask me most of these questions the other day. I recluctantly answered most of them. Then she got to the last one. Except what she actually asked was “do you know anything about his mother, like why she would give him away?” I was sort of angry that she was asking. And the fact she kept referring to him as “his mother” since that title is for me. Birth mother or even first mother is ok, but mother is mine. This girl is a friend of my sister in law. A person I have known for years but not really well. She isn’t family, she isn’t even a close friend. So it irritated me. I didn’t answer her in anger though. I considered the source of the question. I mean this girl didn’t mean to go beyond what she should have known was acceptable limits. She really doesn’t have the sense to realize what the limits are. You know those dumb blonde jokes? I am pretty sure they are all about her. Seriously! I am not joking when I say this is probably the dumbest person I have ever seen walking the earth. So, taking that into consideration, I calmly and politely answered with “we have some information to pass onto our son when he is old enough.”


Mama Zen says:

I can’t believe that someone would actually ask you questions like that!

Chel says:

Well, except for whether or not my husband was the father (my kids look remarkably like him), I had all of those questions asked of me with one or both of my kids. 🙂 People are just generally insensitive. And I think that boundaries, today, is a forgotten concept. Hang in there!

Robin says:

This is just my personal opinion but it comes from being an adopted child…everyone is curious –it’s human nature and there are MANY MANY people in this world that just don’t understand adoption. I am 40 years old and people still ask me questions about being adopted — such as, ‘Why were you adopted? Could your mother not have children? Do you know who your birth mother is? and/or your birth father? Do you want to meet your birth mother?’ I honestly could go on and on… the answer I always give is the same… I have WONDERFUL TERRIFIC parents and THEY are my ‘momma and daddy’ they always have been and always will be! YEs, I have met my birth mother (when I was 25) and it was something I always wanted to do — why? because I wanted to tell her that I am so very THANKFUL to her for giving me life and giving me up! I have carried and birthed 3 great children and I can’t imagine the hurt she must have felt when they took me away! But I always finish my answer the same… being adopted means you are special … it means you were chosen — it means someone gave you up so you would have a better life — it means you have many many people ‘out there’ who love you —— and even though some people’s circumstances are different (ie being taken away from birth parents, abandoned etc…) they are still chosen by God as special !!! So, my answer to you would be: ‘Yes, my child is adopted and yours is what?’

Sheila says:

Wow, beyond my mother, brother or sister, I can’t imagine someone asking me those questions if I had adopted a child. My husband’s birth father was never married to his mother. In fact, we have only ever met him once. We do not by any means consider this man to be my husband’s father. He is his birth father, and therefore genetically my children’s grandfather. But he has never been a grandfather to our children and I can’t imagine calling him that either. I think sites like MySpace have made the younger generation forget what is right and acceptable.

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