And She Lived…

It’s the last day of November which means an end to NaBloPoMo. Ya, I am glad to put an end to that. And for those who subscribe to my blog, I am sure you are glad to see an end to it as well. Nope, I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. Over and over I have had a tendency to put undue pressure on myself when it comes to blogging. Over and over again I tell myself I won’t pressure myself again. But I keep doing it anyway. Blogging reflects my life in that way. Taking on things I know I shouldn’t, but doing it anyway.

There is one thing that I wonder whether or not I should take on. Something I have been thinking about for a very long time now. That thing is a second adoption. While right now isn’t the right time to bring another child into our family, due to financial issues and getting Meechi started in all his therapies and school, I still think about it. It is something we really want to do. Meechi’s adoption took 15 months from start to finish. That is time from signing the contract to him actually arriving in our home. I think about where we will be 15 months from now and I think the timing for bringing another little one into our home would be pretty good then. I will have finished school and hopefully started a new job. Meechi will hopefully be caught up with some of his developmental skills and happy in his 2nd year of pre-k by then. So, the timing feels right. Also, it seems that adoption is taking longer these days, so it could be even longer than 15 months this time around and that would be ok too.

We are not jumping right into adoption. Instead we are going to go sort of slow with things this time. Lesson learned! At this point we are not even sure where we will adopt from. Our most likely choice at this point is actually US foster care. We were afraid to go that route the first time. Afraid of the emotional and mental damage that has been done to those children. See how naive we were back then? To not realize that the same is true for any orphan, anywhere. Of course we also wanted a baby back then, anddidn’t think we could adopt one from here through foster care. I do know that it is harder to adopt a baby when you go that route. We don’t want a baby this time around. Give me a child that has some emotional trauma, as long as he is potty trained and can talk! I know that sounds like I am diminishing the importance of a child’s emotions, but honestly if Meechi could talk it would make everything he has to deal with SO much easier.

One thing that we were a bit disillusioned on before adopting was thinking that babies do not suffer all the emotional and mental damage that older children do. We did not realize that it was possible for a baby to experience RAD. We know better now. We know full well that a child of any age will experience trauma from being abandoned by their birth family and from life in the system. Whatever system they happen to be stuck in. Meechidoes not have RAD, he attached to us quite easily. He does have separation anxiety though. I can not leave the room without him following me everywhere I go. If he doesn’t see me leave the room, when he realizes I am gone he screams in terror. If Hank tries to take him somewhere without me he reaches back in the door screaming “mommy! mommy!” because he doesn’t want to leave without me. If I go somewhere without him it leads to a meltdown as well. (first few days of preschool ought to be fun, eh?) Well, the point is that we understand a lot more now. We are better prepared for what to expect.

Sometime after the first of the year we are going to start doing the PS-MAPP training. (PS-MAPP stands for Partnering for Safety and Permanence Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting) This is the required classes for people to adopt from foster care here in Ks. In this course we will learn about loss, attachment, managing behavior, birth family connections, and how to help children transition into their new family. Even if we decide not to adopt from foster care and do adopt from another country, this class will be helpful. It is what I think all prospective adoptive parents should do. No matter where they choose to adopt from. I truly believe it should be required for anyone entering into adoption.

When we decided to adopt the first time it never entered our minds that we would ever want to do it again. We simply wanted another child. A son that the two of us could raise together. It is because of our amazing son that we want to adopt again. He has brought so much into our lives that he has us craving more. We want another child to love and care for. Another child to bring more joy into our lives. Also, we want our son to have a sibling closer to his own age. He loves his brother and sister but there is such a big age gap. We think he would benefit from having a brother closer in age. Yes, we want another boy. I am just not a princess and ruffles kind of person. Besides, as I parent a teenage girl I realize that I don’t want to live with the worries I have over her again with another child.

Today is also the last day of adoption awareness month. That is the reason I have chosen to announce our plans to adopt again in the not too distant future. I want to share the magic of adoption with everyone. We have gone through the trials of adopting through an unethical adoption agency, getting less than average treatment from adoption coordinators, losing a job due to the adoption, huge financial setbacks, unexpected developmental delays in our son, living every day with his SPD issues… and we want to adopt again. If we can make that decision then I hope we can inspire at least one more family to adopt. There are thousands of children out there who need parents to love them. They are hurting andsuffering from loss. They aren’t perfect, but neither is any of us. I truly hope some of you will find it in your hearts to consider adoption.

al    oli



ty   da                                                      vjjjjj


I found this poem by Beth Moore. It really sums up a big part of my life and how I feel. My life is certainly not as I would have visioned it, but it’s the path I’m meant to be on.

The Life I Planned
from Things Pondered

Has someone seen the life I planned?
It seems it’s been misplaced
I’ve looked in every corner
It’s lost without a trace.
I’ve found one I don’t recognize
Things missing that were dear
Promises I’d hoped to keep
And dreams I’d dreamed aren’t here.
Faces I had planned to see
Hands I planned to hold
Now absent in the pictures
Not the way I told.
Has someone seen the life I planned?
Did it get thrown away?
God took my hand from searching
Then I heard him say,
“Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans I have for you
Are more than you could dream.
You long to walk by sight
But, I’m teaching eyes to see
I know what I am doing
‘Til then you must believe.”
He’s done so much, I felt ashamed
To know He heard my moans
To think I’d trade in all He’s done
For plans made on my own.
I wept over His faithfulness
And how He’d proved Himself
How He’d gone beyond my dreams
And said to Him myself,
“No, my ears have never heard
My eyes have never seen
Eternal plans you have for me
Are more than I could dream.
Yes, I long to walk by sight
But you’re teaching eyes to see
You know what You are doing
‘Til then, I must believe.”
I felt His great compassion
Mercy unrestrained
He let me mourn my losses
And showed to me my gains.
I offered Him my future
And released to Him my past
I traded in my dreams
For a plan He said would last.
I get no glimpse ahead
No certainties at all
Except the presence of the ONE
Who will not let me fall.
Are you also searching
For a life you planned yourself?
Have you looked in every corner?
Have you looked on every shelf?
Child, your ears have never heard
Your eyes have never seen
Eternal plans He has for you
Are more than you could dream.
Perhaps you long to walk by faith
But He’s teaching eyes to see
He knows what He is doing
Child, step out and believe.

{November 21, 2008}   Busy Day

Not much time to post today, and I probably wouldn’t bother if I hadn’t comitted myself to doing that nablopomo thing. I’m not sure why I’m bothering with it really. I’m not getting much out of it other then the pressure to post each day. Haven’t used it to post much for National Adoption Awareness Month like I thought I would, or done any of the posts I have been thinking of doing for months now. (sigh)

Anyway…. we had a busy morning. We were heading to story time at the library and I also wanted to go to the bank to open a new account (not happy with the old bank, moving to a new one) and I needed to go by the elementary school. I decided to go to the school first thinking it would be quicker than the bank. I had a half an hour before story time and the school is just a few blocks from the library. I was going to enroll Meechi for preschool. (yes, they finally got all the evals done and got him approved for preschool)

I just figured it would take a few minutes to fill out paperwork and really didn’t think there would be much. It’s only preschool afterall. ya, right! I even had to sign the weapon policy saying he wouldn’t bring a weapon to school and the internet policy saying he wouldn’t look at any inappropriate sites. Are they aware he is only going to be three years old???? Whatever! anyway, the paperwork still could have been done in 30mins, but the lady in charge of it wanted to go over every single school policy with me. Both my older kids went to this school, I KNOW the policies pretty well after 7 years of having at least one child in that school. By the time she was done with that we were way past 30 mins and no chance to make story time. I did get to meet his teacher who seemed very nice and we saw his classroom. There was one little girl that came up to him and was asking if he was going to stay and was trying to talk to him. She was a little sweetie. I have a good feeling about this class for him.

After we left the school (an hour later) we headed to the library. We had missed story time but I had books to return and more I wanted to check out. Meechi loves playing with the puzzles in the kids library anyway, so I wanted to be sure he got time to do that. I talked with another mom there and Meechi played with her little girl. (i’ll post more on that later) Then we got our books and by that time it was almost noon and since hubby was coming home for lunch we didn’t have time for the bank, so we headed home.

Not sure if I’ll make the bank this afternoon. Probably not. I’ll probably put it off until Monday now because they are way too crowded on Saturdays. (sigh)

Meechi has a playdate at 2:00 and it is 1:30 now…… so, time to get ready to go. Oh! we are able to do an afternoon playdate because a certain someone has decided to give up his naps. I am so not happy about that idea!

{November 20, 2008}   How Does He Know?

How is it that I can take a shower, or do the dishes, or put away laundry, or pick up ten thousand toy dinosaurs and Meechi sleeps right through it………..   but the second I turn on the computer and start to check blogs, the little monster angel wakes up?!?

{November 14, 2008}   I Have My Limits People

I realize that since I am a SAHM that part of my job is to keep the house clean. But there are limits. And the old man is dangerously close to pushing me beyond mine. Keeping the house clean does NOT mean that I am personal servent to those who reside in this house. It does not mean that I am supposed to pick up after someone who intentionally drops their crap where it doesn’t belong.

The man has pushed me to the edge here people. If he doesn’t stop leaving his shirt and his nasty, crusty, sweaty, smelly, dirty, gross, so bad they could practically walk to the hamper themselves SOCKS on the living room floor…  I am going to teach him what my limits are. And then he is going to get a lesson in what happens when people cross them!!!

*kim walks away mumbling….   every freaking day with the nasty socks, i am so gonna shove them up his…..

{November 11, 2008}   Secret Mission: accomplished

I have been working on this for awhile now but I finally got it all taken care of. I am nervous and excited about it. I know, I know… you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about.

I enrolled in school!  Cool, eh?

It’s just one of those tech schools. But I don’t care. I am still excited. I never went to college or anything. I hated high school and was convinced I would hate college too. Of course I was just being stupid because all the things I hated about high school totally wouldn’t have been a factor in college. So it was kind of a dumb choice.

Still…. if I had gone to college right out of high school my life would have turned out very differently. I certainly never would have even met Mr. Wrong and that would have been a shame. Seriously. It would have. Cause as much as I don’t like him, I love Shy and Bucky to the end of the universe and back. And without Mr. Wrong there would be no Shy and Bucky. So I am thankful my life has taken the turns it has, even if they’ve been some tough turns to take.

Anyway….  I never had the whole college experience and I’m ok with that. What I am not ok with is the fact that not having a degree has kept me from advancement and raises at previous jobs. I may have been better at my job than a coworker, but without that little piece of paper my efforts weren’t worth as much when it came to paychecks.

Money isn’t the real reason (or at least not the only reason) that I am going to school. I just want to do it. I want to prove that I can. I want to prove it to myself.  And I want to prove it to my kids. I am really pretty excited about going. I start in January.

When I first looked into it, I had planned to start in November. Last week actually. But then I realized how much time I was going to spend taking Meechi for all his evals and testing and dr appointments. Well, it just kind of made November not an option. Meechi starts preschool in January. That’s another bit of good news. (well there is some bad news and some frustration mixed in there as well but that’s another story that you can read about here) But the real point is that he starts preschool in January which gives me time to go to school myself while he is in school.

I will go Mon-Thur from 8am to 12:30. I still get my afternoons with Meech and all day Friday. Well, I will actually have Friday mornings to myself since he will be in preschool. How awesome does that sound?!? Time to myself. Wow! I NEVER get that.

okay, so are you wondering what I am going to school for? Of course you are. Well, for anyone who doesn’t know or doesn’t remember, I used to work in a medical office in the records department. I kept the files and scanned records into electronic charts and I was in charge of doing all the release of records stuff. So I am familiar with working in a medical office and I am very familiar with medical terminology and laws and regulations. blah, blah, blah. You get it. I really did enjoy the work even if I didn’t enjoy some of the actual people I worked for. Because of that I want to stick with the medical field. I don’t like one on one contact with the patients though. Not my thing at all. I don’t want to give shots or take blood pressures or any of that. Yuck! So the oh so popular medical assistant program that all the tech schools are pushing right now are totally out for me. Ok, ok…. I’ll get to the point and tell ya already. I am going to take the medical billing and coding program.

The first quarter of the program is going over medical office procedures and terminology. Gee, that ought to be tough. heehee! Even the lady in the enrollment office was like, “this part should be easy for you. probably more of a review of what you already know”. Ya, kind of what I was thinking. It will get tougher though. The second and third quarters will focus more on the actual coding and trying to learn all those codes will certainly require tons of study time. I am still excited though. I am looking forward to actually having to learn something. It’s been too long.

I finished up my enrollment yesterday. So it’s official now. I am going to school!!!

{November 9, 2008}   One Sunday Morning

I am spending yet another Sunday morning sitting at home in my pj’s thinking that I should really be getting ready for church.

you see… I have been planning to go back to church for a few months now. I haven’t done it though. The sad thing is that I really do want to attend church. It’s the whole actually going thing I am having trouble with. I seem to come up with an excuse every week. If Shy and Bucky aren’t home then I think that I will wait for the next week so they can go with me. If they are home I ask if they want to go and they say “not really” so we don’t go. Or they ask which church (more on that in a minute) and I answer with one church and they say “no, not if you’re going to that one”. Something, always something. I am almost always awake in time to go but if no one else is then I don’t want to wake them but I don’t want to go alone. I think about going just me and Meechi but then I think about how he won’t last 5 minutes in the nursery before they’d call me out of service to come get him anyway. And no, I don’t know that would happen for sure. It’s just a guess, or maybe just an excuse.

But I really do want to go. Inside I really do. I think about it all week long and tell myself that this will be the week I actually go. Then Sunday comes and I sit here in my pj’s not going.

I have been wanting to attend a new church. I really like what I have heard about it and it is non denominational. They are very accepting of everyone. It seems like it would be a good fit for me. It’s small and I have met a couple women my age who attend there and they are very nice and easy to talk to. They just don’t have much in the way of a youth program. They also don’t have a real established fellowhip program or mops or anything like that. So I also think I should go back to the church we used to attend because they have amazing youth programs and fellowship programs and mops and all that. Some Sunday’s I sit here debating which church to go to until it’s too late to attend either.

Right now I have 45 minutes before the new church’s service would start. I have an hour and 45 minutes before the old church’s service would start. I have time. I still don’t think it’s going to happen though. And I just don’t get why I don’t go. Is there something deeper in me that I am just not seeing? Or is it the social anxiety disorder taking over?

{November 7, 2008}   The Uncomfortable Questions

It’s bound to happen eventually. If you’ve adopted a child, people are going to ask you questions that are uncomfortable for you.

How much did the adoption cost?

Was it difficult to adopt?

Do you know anything about his real parents?

Why did his mother give him up?

Those kind of things. They are the type of questions you would never ask someone who had a child biologically. I mean you wouldn’t ask someone “how much was your hospital bill when you gave birth? and did that include the episiotomy?” or “did you have a hard time conceiving? or did ya get it on the first try?” or “is your husband really the father, cause the baby kinda looks like the mailman” or “so who’s the baby’s daddy?” and you certainly woulnd’t ask “did you plan to get pregnant or did it just happen to you?”

Would you want to answer those questions? Of course not. And I don’t really want to answer the other ones. Now, there are exeptions. If I am talking with someone who is interested in adopting and they ask about the cost of adoption or if it was difficult, I don’t mind answering those questions at all. As for the real parents question… um, hello! We are his real parents. We’re real. We’re his parents. Real parents! And that last question!?! How about none of your damn business? Is that a good enough answer?

Honestly, my son’s past is HIS past. It’s his life story. When he is old enough he can choose to share it with whomever he chooses. Until then, it’s a closed subject. Not that I have shared details with a few people. Close family like my parents and one of my sisters and one of my brothers. That’s it though.

I actually had someone ask me most of these questions the other day. I recluctantly answered most of them. Then she got to the last one. Except what she actually asked was “do you know anything about his mother, like why she would give him away?” I was sort of angry that she was asking. And the fact she kept referring to him as “his mother” since that title is for me. Birth mother or even first mother is ok, but mother is mine. This girl is a friend of my sister in law. A person I have known for years but not really well. She isn’t family, she isn’t even a close friend. So it irritated me. I didn’t answer her in anger though. I considered the source of the question. I mean this girl didn’t mean to go beyond what she should have known was acceptable limits. She really doesn’t have the sense to realize what the limits are. You know those dumb blonde jokes? I am pretty sure they are all about her. Seriously! I am not joking when I say this is probably the dumbest person I have ever seen walking the earth. So, taking that into consideration, I calmly and politely answered with “we have some information to pass onto our son when he is old enough.”

{November 6, 2008}   Almost Beyond Hope

I am beyond frustrated with the people who are supposed to be helping my son. Insurance has denied coverage for Meechi’s physical and occupational therapy. I just don’t understand this. Meechi is 35 months old and his evalutaions found him to be at a 26 month level. He is nearly a year behind and insurance DENIES him help. How the hell do they justify this??? He has been diagnosed with SPD. He needs an occupational therapist to assist in giving him the therapy he needs to overcome this. He NEEDS help and support to learn how to simply live with what the rest of us accept as normal. And insurance DENIES him that help!

I’ll be totally honest here and admit that right now my kids are on medicaid. When I lost my job we lost our insurance. My husband has not been at his job long enough to qualify for insurance yet. So in the meantime we have had to seek some help so the kids will be covered. We go without insurance for ourselves.

If THIS is what government regulated health care is… if it is denying a child the services he desperately needs…….   well, we’re all pretty much screwed aren’t we? If the future of our country is having someone in power who wants to put the government in charge of healthcare…….  will any special needs child be allowed the services they need?

I’m worried, and I’m pissed off. I’m sad and I’m frustrated. I am confused and I’m almost beyond hope.

All I want is something simple. Help for my son. Why? Why will they not help my son?

{November 1, 2008}   November already

I can’t believe it’s November already. This year has gone by so quickly.

Last month I posted about it being Sensory Processing Disorder awareness month. I wanted to do one more post before October was over, but the month just got away from me. Now, it’s November and it is time for Adoption awareness month. And you know I am going to have something to say about adoption. It has certainly changed this family’s life for the better!  So, look forward to lots of posts about the benefits of adoption, as well as some Meechi cuteness.

I have also been thinking about doing NaBloPoMo. I figure that it will be a good opportunity to spread the word about adoption, so I’ll give it a try. (of course i am not always the greatest about follow through, so we will see)

Just in case you might want to learn a bit more about SPD, I have included some links to posts about SPD on some other blogs. This really is an issue that almost no one knows about except those of us affected by it. Hopefully after this past October, many more people will be aware.

Homemade Therapeutic Sensory Items

Living With SPD

What I Wish People Understood About SPD (part 1)

What I Wish People Understood About SPD (part 2)

SPD: Managing It Everyday (one family’s story)

SPD: What It Looks Like In Our Neighborhood

On Sensory Processing Disorder

SPD And The Adopted Child

For All Intersted In SPD (a look into spd in an adult)

Free Answers In Honor of SPD Awareness Month

Sensory Awareness Month (there is also a part 2 and 3 on this blog)

Sensing Something Different

SPD Awareness: Our Story

et cetera